Learn to Handle Your Liquor: don't throw up next to me in a bar

So I know I haven't written in a while, it's been a busy few months also I'm incredibly lazy.

I was at one of my favorite bars, well to clarify I was visiting one of my favorite bartenders, I don't care for the bar besides that, and being the lovable drunk I am two guys bellied up to the bar next to me and struck up a conversation. After some light chit chat they became enamored with me and bought me a shot, and a few minutes later I returned the favor. This encounter lasted all of 15 minutes and when they left i realized that one of them had discretely spewed all over the bar floor. Luckily none of it splashed on me or was even that close but still, it is difficult to suck harder than that. The bathroom is 30 seconds away, the front door is even closer. How hard is it to act like a civilized person and puke in the parking lot like you're supposed to.

So for this one you have two choices: one, learn to handle your liquor like a man (or an awesome woman), or two, learn to stop drinking before you throw up. I prefer step one, but step two is also acceptable and you really only need to not throw up before you get outside or, better yet, home. After that go nuts. Puke your brains out. It's a great ab workout and it helps you look thinner. Remember that a breath mint is important if you plan on a puke and rally for the rest of the night.

Moral of the story: Don't throw up in a bar. Unless its you're 21st birthday you don't have any excuses for this one. Quit sucking so much at life.

Bonus Tip: I learned an amazing way to clean up vomit the other day. Simply sprinkle coffee grounds on the problem spot and sweep up. It works like sawdust at a kindergarten but leaves a nice espresso scent in the room. My bartender friend had the vomit cleaned up and another customer in the spot within 5 minutes.