Dear Hipsters and Co.,
You're doing a thing. OK I get that. Feel free to express yourself in any way you wish. Just know that the small amount of laughter you bring into our lives does not make up for the enormous amount you annoy us. Not even close. I know most of you spend a lot of time looking in a mirror to make sure you get your hair to have that perfect slant with a touch of I don't care about the world, but for all that time you just don't seem to understand that this is how you look: Hipster/Emo Walking. Notice how everyone is laughing at him...just a hint.
While I might be lumping you all into one category, suck it that's what you get. I don't care if you were the first person to see a band in concert, buy their t-shirt or have their illegitimate love child you still suck, that band probably sucks and you're wasting your life (unless you are a music producer, then you're pretty good at your life and your job), but since you're not stop sucking so much. To put this in perspective you spend hours/days trying to be the first person to hear a band that maybe a thousand people will ever hear/enjoy listening to. Can you name the first person that ever heard the Beatles? No you can't because they don't matter. If they didn't hear them first some other irrelevant person would have. Most people can't name the person who shot John Lennon (Mark David Chapman) and nobody will remember you.
Hipster, Emo, Indie or whatever you define yourself as is a fad that will pass (this doesn't apply to 'Goth' because everyone knows vampires are immortal and so are fashion trends based on them). Being sad in order to look cool, wearing black clothes and make up, going to see crappy no-name bands and standing around smoking as a hobby are fine, but doing them just because a bunch of equally sucky people do is stupid and you suck at life. In 10 years these trends will have gone the way of Disco, Member's Only Jackets and Pogs and you will look back and say man I sucked at life back then so some friendly advice, tone it down a little bit or take it to the next level and shoot a famous musician. Either way will work fine. Here's you hoping you suck a little less at life in the future.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Don't Constantly Piss People Off by Being A Customer Service Agent
As far as I can tell customer service agents have 3 main responsibilities:
1. To waste 10-15 minutes of my time by confirming who I am, asking questions that I have already answered and most likely wanking it on the other end of the phone just to tell me that they can't do what I want but they will transfer me to someone who can.
2. To make a simple change of information in the database take multiple hours instead of the 15 seconds it takes to type my correct fucking email address so I can be sent the information I need when I need it, which frankly is the only reason I am paying these ass clowns anyway.
3. To be paid to be retarded and generally piss me and millions of other poor bastards off on a consistent basis.
The only thing worse than a real person being paid to shit on your day is an automated crap machine with 20 questions that you have to constantly repeat your information to because the voice recognition software is about 2 years shy of differentiating Hannah Montana and James Earl Jones.
To be fair there are a very, very small amount of qualified, caring people who work as customer service agents and when you find one and they are of some amount of help ask to talk to their supervisor and thank them. It only takes 30 seconds and it helps ensure that quality service will be given in the future.
Moral of the story: Don't suck at life and waste my time by being an incompetent ruiner that gets paid to stand in the way of my needs and good customer service.
1. To waste 10-15 minutes of my time by confirming who I am, asking questions that I have already answered and most likely wanking it on the other end of the phone just to tell me that they can't do what I want but they will transfer me to someone who can.
2. To make a simple change of information in the database take multiple hours instead of the 15 seconds it takes to type my correct fucking email address so I can be sent the information I need when I need it, which frankly is the only reason I am paying these ass clowns anyway.
3. To be paid to be retarded and generally piss me and millions of other poor bastards off on a consistent basis.
The only thing worse than a real person being paid to shit on your day is an automated crap machine with 20 questions that you have to constantly repeat your information to because the voice recognition software is about 2 years shy of differentiating Hannah Montana and James Earl Jones.
To be fair there are a very, very small amount of qualified, caring people who work as customer service agents and when you find one and they are of some amount of help ask to talk to their supervisor and thank them. It only takes 30 seconds and it helps ensure that quality service will be given in the future.
Moral of the story: Don't suck at life and waste my time by being an incompetent ruiner that gets paid to stand in the way of my needs and good customer service.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Don't Annoy Your Co-Workers with Stupid Stories
Stories that begin with my kid did something so interesting last night better end with either....
1. Said his/her first word.
2. Got elected president/governor or pope.
3. Knocked up a stripper that we hired to babysit him.
Anything less interesting than what is on this list frankly doesn't matter and so we don't want to hear it. Yes, we will listen politely. Yes, we probably will ask the obligatory questions that go along with the social contract called "work friends." Yes, we will exchange our own just as boring story even though it bores us as much as it does you. No, we will not care, be happy for you or remember any of it fifteen minutes later.
I don't care about your kids. I don't care about your dog. I don't care about your wife/girlfriend/lover unless you're going to get into some juicy details involve you two, her sister and a clown and even then you're probably too much of a prude asshole and will still bore me. If you're hung over and looking for a sympathetic ear don't bother me just shut up and take some hair of the dog. If you want to tell me about your wild night...don't. Unless it involves some sort of tranny you accidentally took home from a bar just keep your mouth shut and write about it on your blog. That way instead of pretending to listen I can just pretend to have read it saving me untold amounts of time. Stop sucking at life so much by constantly boring me with details of your life I don't care about.
1. Said his/her first word.
2. Got elected president/governor or pope.
3. Knocked up a stripper that we hired to babysit him.
Anything less interesting than what is on this list frankly doesn't matter and so we don't want to hear it. Yes, we will listen politely. Yes, we probably will ask the obligatory questions that go along with the social contract called "work friends." Yes, we will exchange our own just as boring story even though it bores us as much as it does you. No, we will not care, be happy for you or remember any of it fifteen minutes later.
I don't care about your kids. I don't care about your dog. I don't care about your wife/girlfriend/lover unless you're going to get into some juicy details involve you two, her sister and a clown and even then you're probably too much of a prude asshole and will still bore me. If you're hung over and looking for a sympathetic ear don't bother me just shut up and take some hair of the dog. If you want to tell me about your wild night...don't. Unless it involves some sort of tranny you accidentally took home from a bar just keep your mouth shut and write about it on your blog. That way instead of pretending to listen I can just pretend to have read it saving me untold amounts of time. Stop sucking at life so much by constantly boring me with details of your life I don't care about.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Welcome to How to Suck Less at Life
Everywhere I looked today I saw people sucking at life: while I was driving to work, my customers, colleagues and friends. Even I myself occasionally suck at life, although it is less than you. To be fair I don't know you, but you certainly suck more than you think or are willing to admit. As awesome as you think you are you're still fat, annoying, stupid, ugly or an asshole. By some grace of God you have friends and family that are willing to lie to you and tell you you're great, but the delusion ends now. You kinda suck at life and I'm gonna help you suck a little bit less. And so on with our daunting journey out of mediocrity.
Not all of what is posted here is meant to apply to you. In fact most of this is not meant to apply to you. If it does you need more help than I can provide and I suggest you get a gun and a single bullet and hope for reincarnation because you probably don't have enough time left in this life. (note: I am not actually encouraging anyone to commit suicide, although it does have a time and a place; specifically when you're old and you're only stealing valuable resources from the rest of us.)
Not all of what is posted here is meant to apply to you. In fact most of this is not meant to apply to you. If it does you need more help than I can provide and I suggest you get a gun and a single bullet and hope for reincarnation because you probably don't have enough time left in this life. (note: I am not actually encouraging anyone to commit suicide, although it does have a time and a place; specifically when you're old and you're only stealing valuable resources from the rest of us.)
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