Don't Annoy Your Co-Workers with Stupid Stories

Stories that begin with my kid did something so interesting last night better end with either....
1. Said his/her first word.
2. Got elected president/governor or pope.
3. Knocked up a stripper that we hired to babysit him.

Anything less interesting than what is on this list frankly doesn't matter and so we don't want to hear it. Yes, we will listen politely. Yes, we probably will ask the obligatory questions that go along with the social contract called "work friends." Yes, we will exchange our own just as boring story even though it bores us as much as it does you. No, we will not care, be happy for you or remember any of it fifteen minutes later.

I don't care about your kids. I don't care about your dog. I don't care about your wife/girlfriend/lover unless you're going to get into some juicy details involve you two, her sister and a clown and even then you're probably too much of a prude asshole and will still bore me. If you're hung over and looking for a sympathetic ear don't bother me just shut up and take some hair of the dog. If you want to tell me about your wild night...don't. Unless it involves some sort of tranny you accidentally took home from a bar just keep your mouth shut and write about it on your blog. That way instead of pretending to listen I can just pretend to have read it saving me untold amounts of time. Stop sucking at life so much by constantly boring me with details of your life I don't care about.